Clarity

A week has gone by. I was so apprehensive about the February 1st anniversary although there are others. Even St Patrick's day was a special day for Kevin and so me as well as I would ask him about his preparations at Flanagan's for the big St. Paddy's Day celebration, corned beef, cabbage and hugh out door tent as well. He made the paper one year. A picture taken with his boss and so we bought a few papers that day. Kevin liked that, liked having his picture taken and was quite a little ham in his earlier years. So another sad day as I know Kevin won't be there. I was afraid about the 1st as I was about the July 18th anniversary. That passed as did this one but I think maybe it was other days that bothered me or the feelings just welled up, built up, and then came out perhaps just touched off by a little thing, a memory or maybe something completely unrelated which just openned the flood gates. Then all the emotion and sorrow and grief and sadness comes out. So I don't know about all of these dates. Yes I remember them, dread them, but they haven't turned out to be as bad as I expected. I guess it has been other days, when I wasn't expecting it, that turned out to be the worst.

So I've been thinking about the human psyche. Does a person fully comprehend what has happened when their loved one has died? The capacity for the human mind to protect itself is incredible! I wonder to myself if I fully realize that my son is dead. I believe that he is alive elsewhere. At times I can't believe he is gone because the memories are so strong, his presence is felt as if he were in the next room... Is that my rationalization, cultural or religious, to protect me from the
horrid reality which I do not want to face? And at times I feel that the fact he was missing for 6 and a half months was merciful as we had time to digest the magnitude of what was happening. Was hope mixed with despair better than knowing the horrible truth right away?

Alot of confusion as this anniversary approached as I'm still trying to work through so many things regarding Kevin. What direction to go... It's the death of my old life as it was. As I was getting more settled here in Des Moines I thought if only Kevin was here, alive, things would be perfect. But that isn't the case. There has been so much cloudyness lately, the past week, but Saturday morning when I went out to do my walking the skies were clear. I looked East toward the Capitol building which Kevin had first pointed out to me from the second floor window of his house on 15th St. The clouds had gone. It was so clear and I wished that my mind could reflect the clarity of the skies that morning. In due time I hope...