Realization

Once again I don't have a tittle, although this time I did intend to come to the library, was planning on it, and so needed to make the time, which I did, finally! By the end of my blog I hope a tittle comes to me, otherwise, as I said, it will be the first few words of the first sentence.

Yesterday I spoke to a young woman regarding Kevin. It has been so long since I've talked to anyone about Kevin. Occasionally, Brian and I will talk, briefly, but as we're doing other things, it isn't a lengthy conversation. Something will come up, a memory, we'll exchange a few words, and then get caught up in whatever it is we're doing. Usually the kids are there and so it's hard to concentrate on anything except them which most of the time is fine, even therapeutic. It gets one's mind off of whatever one is negatively dwelling on! Anyway, back to my conversation with this young woman. I was very animated and angry. Nothing new as I was talking about Kevin's case. I've made it known in my blogs about my frustration and anger towards the police dept. Actually, I'm perhaps a little more angry now since I'm not in a state of shock and have learned a few more things, seen the way things are done elsewhere regarding missing persons, and also realizing more and more the inequities from case to case. If the police had acted right away, in the first 24 hours which is critical, as they should have, perhaps we would know what happened to him today. It wouldn't bring him back but we would know how he died and when he died.

As we finished up she mentioned or inquired whether I had seen a counselor regarding my grief. It isn't the grief. It's the situation. But I also felt that I was dealing with a person who hasn't experienced the loss of a loved one. I could be wrong. There are many young people who have experienced loss and tragedy. Most everyone has experienced loss of some kind. Those who haven't can't fathom how they could get through such an ordeal and so you must be a walking basket case. So many people know, though, that we all seem to make it through the big things, it's all the little, day to day garbage that gets us down. How we get through major tragedies, I don't know, but we do. But not to be critical, and whether or not this young woman has experienced loss is beside the point. She listened intently and gave me pointers from her expertise on the situation regarding Kevin. And I am very,very appreciative. Now, I know so much more but I don't have a second chance to redo this. My biggest concern and that which causes me so much frustration and depression is the fact that I haven't done enough, fast enough. When I talk to someone, as I did yesterday, and feel I have a chance to make some progress, my spirit soars, the depressed feelings lift. Temporarily, obviously, then I come back to earth and worry that nothing will pan out. I do have a little hope, though, once again, as I have had before. And I'm inspired! I tried to explain that to her, not that I had to, and not that it would do any good anyway. To distinguish from normal grief and the grieving process when there are other circumstances connected to the loss... Actually, I could do this full time, Kevin's case, but that is not an option.

It was kind of ironic I thought. Someone sent in a picture to channel 13, as people are encouraged to do, which was aired on the weather segment, and channel 13's Photo Link. People have sent in cute pictures of squirrels or beautiful flowers, or a badger in a tree which looked like a koala bear, but I think they usually look for weather related things; storms and flooding, but the weather has been calm thank goodness. Someone had taken two photos, before and after, of the old railroad bridge where Kevin's remains were found. It was taken from the Scott St. Bridge where I've gone many times to check the condition of the river and where Brian and I have started out from, recently, as we've walked along the dry riverbed as far as we could go. The first picture showed the riverbed almost completely dry, as I had seen it, and such optimum conditions (in my thinking) which prompted me to go back to the police dept. And the second picture showed the same area after heavy rains had flooded the area once again. The topography of the river bottom had changed so much from the way it was two years ago, but, being dry, and even more area exposed than previously, I went down to the police station to inquire about the possibility of using a cadaver dog to search the area. I inquired, the response was that too much time had passed for a cadaver dog to be effective and then the river flooded...

So, what do I call this blog? I'll call it realization. I don't know why, but I feel I've had sort of a realization lately... of a lot of things!

Stars

I wasn't planning to visit the library today. Here I am after a lapse of over a month. I couldn't think of a title but if I didn't put something down, they would, you know, the computer system, would make the beginning of my first sentence the "title". Actually, that probably would have been okay. I wasn't planning!

This morning when I came out of my house at a few minutes to 6, on my way to work, I looked up at the stars. Something that I try to do frequently but like everything else, gets pushed to the side. It seems so much of the time we have too many other things on our minds to stop and smell the roses or look up and get lost in the stars. I paid attention this morning. They captured my attention as I looked toward the East as one of the planets was right above the horizon and very bright. It was a beautiful morning, cooler than it has been, and clear. Not as clear and crisp as it gets in the late Fall or Winter but such an improvement from the hot, humid weather we've had almost all Summer and the hazy conditions in the sky. Not good for star gazing.

Almost two years ago when I arrived back in Des Moines I was driving in to the bus garage from the East side, as I did everyday, and watched a star on the western horizon. I watched it every evening as I was returning from my afternoon run which finished shortly after dusk. I'm sure it was the atmospheric conditions but the star, a very bright one, most likely the planet Jupiter or Venus, and so not really a star, looked to me to be a beautiful little cross in the sky. I say little cross but as it was low on the horizon and so appeared much larger it was rather prominent. I kept looking at it thinking my eyes were playing tricks on me... but it was very definitely a cross. There have been many times since then, yes, the atmosphere or moisture in the atmosphere causing this, where I looked around and all the lights in the city, red and white alike, shone like little crosses.

How our perception's and awareness's and interests change as we experience the loss of our loved ones. I've been interested in astronomy for many many years and took it in school. I've been looking up in the sky for more years than I will admit to and never experienced that phenomenon until two years ago! At one time getting lost in the stars gave me the only reprieve from continual feelings of grief and sadness that I had, and I guess it still does. It is so comforting and gives hope to look up into a beautiful fathomless sky.

And I label this one bright star that appears to me as a cross in the sky, Kevin's Star.