Curt

Well, I am here again after a couple of months of the usual ups-and-downs. Nothing new, nothing out of the ordinary. Much of it must be the usual ebb-and- flow of life. Something I can't stand and so I try to seek evenness and balance in my day to day routine. I'll do without those real highs if I could only be granted a reprieve from those horrible lows which seem so incapacitating. But with so many other things in life, I guess I'll have to accept the ups and downs as well. The Holidays still knock me for a loop. They always have. And , yes, Kevin's anniversary date, February 1st., well one of them. The date Kevin's remains were found.

That brings me to Curt. The man who discovered Kevin's remains on the river under the old railroad trestle during a late January thaw. I owe so much to this man. I was able to meet him at Kevin's Memorial Service because he was kind enough to come. I'll never forget that, as I'll never forget so many things surrounding Kevin's life and death, but when it comes to Kevin's death, this was it.

I distinctly remember those days, the end of January before they found Kevin. I wondered how much longer I could go on not knowing. Not knowing whether Kevin was alive or dead. The day before I got the call from the Des Moines police I started to cry at work. Just cried and cried for heaven knows what reason. I took the next day off and it was that very afternoon that the call came. They had found remains that they believed were Kevin's. A fisherman had found them. That fisherman was out on the river that day and spotted bones that he thought were suspicious. He called the police.

I don't have the words to express what I feel towards this man who was observant enough to spot something he did not think looked right and took the time to make a call. So many people would not have noticed. So many people would not have bothered picking up a phone. But he did. This man saved me from a life of never knowing. Never knowing whether Kevin was alive or dead, and that's the worst of all. Not knowing. We can deal with, or start to deal with, something we know, but to be in the world of not knowing, a state of limbo, is the worst imaginable. What can I say more than that. It is saving my life in a way that perhaps I can not explain. Yes, I am still dealing with the loss of Kevin. I want him here, but I can never have him back, here with me, on this earth. That is the reality. I have to deal with that reality and that is a better reality than wondering if he is still alive, wondering where he is, is he being hurt, why, what happened... and everything else one imagines and fears. A life of never knowing which so many other families have endured and are enduring right now. A nightmare world that goes on and on.. Curt saved our family from that by giving us the truth. A truth maybe that we realized on some level, that Kevin really was dead, but that we could never admit and finalize in our minds and hearts. There are still so many unanswered questions. We don't know what happened to Kevin but we have a certain amount of closure thanks to this man. Now we can deal with the reality, as we have been since that day, February 1, 2005, and hope and pray that the rest of the answers will come.

It has taken all this time for me to at least write a few words about this person I owe so much. To acknowledge him and thank him. When something is so important and meaningful to me I guess I can't express myself. He didn't want acknowledgement in the paper. I can't acknowledge what he did properly. I can never pay him back for what he did. His life is inextricably linked to Kevin and our family by his act of kindness. I am humbled and appreciative and thankful and will be for the rest of my life.