Reflecting
A holiday weekend and fortunately a long one for me. Two days in a row off and so a chance to relax a little more than usual. Holidays bother me, as I've said before, because it's a time to get together with family and then the absence of a family member, a loved one, in this case Kevin, is glaring. This weekend is okay. I'm in a reflective mood. Not that it is unusual but this reflectivity is different, I guess. Actually, I guess I wouldn't classify my usual states of mind "reflective". Maybe it's just a matter of semantics, or misuse of words which is more like it in my case. Reflecting or a reflective mood connotes, to me anyway, a more quiet and peaceful state of mind which really describes my mood today and which is unlike my general state of mind! I am thankful for the respite from the usual ups and downs that have blanketed my psychic wellbeing; despair one day euphoria the next, intense, often frantic, emotion laden, I guess.
It's Memorial Day weekend. I was thinking about things when I turned on the TV this morning for a little noise. Sunday Morning with Charles Osgood was on and finishing up, as it usually does, with a peaceful scene from serene environs across the country, of water flowing, birds and wildlife, etc. This morning they ended at Arlington cemetery, with a new flag which marks each grave site, as they do every year at this time, as we all reflect on the heroes of war past and present. It was comforting to me. Kevin wasn't in the military but Brian was in Iraq for a year. Here, I was so worried about him and yet he came home. I wasn't worried about Kevin in Des Moines and yet he disappeared. Over two thousand young men have lost their lives because of the Iraq war, a majority of them around the same age as Kevin. It is comforting to me because I'm not alone in the loss of my son, my child. I think of that and it is comforting to know. It is a scene that is playing out over and over again across the country.
But it's not just war casualties. It seems that a couple of times a week I run across a vehicle that has "in loving memory" on the back of it. And they have the birth date and date of death on it, and most of the time it is a young person. Or, I just heard mention, again, for the second time, at work, of a co-worker, who had lost a child. I'm sure it is my awareness too. If nothing had happened to Kevin, perhaps these things would never have entered my perceptions, my awareness. But they have. So many times since Kevin died. So many young children and young adults buried by their parents. Something that I thought rarely happens. One of those life myths that we're told but that ends up not being true. So many parents do bury their children and it has been a tremendous comfort to know that I'm not the only one. Not by a long shot. But it doesn't take away the horrible feeling of loss. It doesn't bring back Kevin but it does help.
Reflecting today on things, though, is peaceful and calm. Nothing new to report. It has been two months , now, and Lt. Tunks has still not gotten back to me to set up an appointment to go over Kevin's file... Today it doesn't upset me. It's par for the course. Tomorrow might be a different story and yet I hope my peace of mind is a step forward. Time heals, they say, and hopefully my reflective state of mind is an indication of healing... But I haven't lost my resolve!
It's Memorial Day weekend. I was thinking about things when I turned on the TV this morning for a little noise. Sunday Morning with Charles Osgood was on and finishing up, as it usually does, with a peaceful scene from serene environs across the country, of water flowing, birds and wildlife, etc. This morning they ended at Arlington cemetery, with a new flag which marks each grave site, as they do every year at this time, as we all reflect on the heroes of war past and present. It was comforting to me. Kevin wasn't in the military but Brian was in Iraq for a year. Here, I was so worried about him and yet he came home. I wasn't worried about Kevin in Des Moines and yet he disappeared. Over two thousand young men have lost their lives because of the Iraq war, a majority of them around the same age as Kevin. It is comforting to me because I'm not alone in the loss of my son, my child. I think of that and it is comforting to know. It is a scene that is playing out over and over again across the country.
But it's not just war casualties. It seems that a couple of times a week I run across a vehicle that has "in loving memory" on the back of it. And they have the birth date and date of death on it, and most of the time it is a young person. Or, I just heard mention, again, for the second time, at work, of a co-worker, who had lost a child. I'm sure it is my awareness too. If nothing had happened to Kevin, perhaps these things would never have entered my perceptions, my awareness. But they have. So many times since Kevin died. So many young children and young adults buried by their parents. Something that I thought rarely happens. One of those life myths that we're told but that ends up not being true. So many parents do bury their children and it has been a tremendous comfort to know that I'm not the only one. Not by a long shot. But it doesn't take away the horrible feeling of loss. It doesn't bring back Kevin but it does help.
Reflecting today on things, though, is peaceful and calm. Nothing new to report. It has been two months , now, and Lt. Tunks has still not gotten back to me to set up an appointment to go over Kevin's file... Today it doesn't upset me. It's par for the course. Tomorrow might be a different story and yet I hope my peace of mind is a step forward. Time heals, they say, and hopefully my reflective state of mind is an indication of healing... But I haven't lost my resolve!
posted by Patricia | 10:39 AM
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