Diary of a Mother's Mission

My son, Kevin Martin, disappered under mysterious circumstances in the wee hours of July 18, 2004. His partial remains were found on February 1, 2005 in the river. The Des Moines Police have not been helpful and this is my blog to tell what I have done as it's done.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Just Below The Surface

Christmas is almost here. Another Christmas. Another Holiday. I'm one of many trying to celebrate the special day under the shadow of pain and loss. No, I'm not alone. There was a special gathering in California, and at Disneyland, for the families that had lost loved ones in Iraq. This was all paid for by a charitable organization, I can't remember the name of the person or the organization off-hand. It was a wonderful like three day weekend for the familles and especially the children, to enjoy, have fun and momentarily forget the reality and loss in their life. The reporter talked to the mostly women, although a couple of children had lost their mother, and the children, who had lost a parent. They were all so happy to be there, excited to receive gifts, and go to Disneyland but their pain and sorrow and sadness was just below the surface.

Previously I had mentioned that Kevin, and now Terry, dominate my thoughts. Nothing new to that. I didn't even want to go to the Christmas get-together at work but I did end up going. The way the reporter said what she said put just the right words to what I feel all of the time. All of the things that I feel, the sorrow, the loss, the despair, disbelief, anger, everything... it's all right below the surface. Each day I go about my routine wearing my social mask, I guess you could say. I didn't want to wear that social mask at the Christmas gathering but I did. I sat and smiled and made small talk. In the end I was happy that I did go, even though the real me, my real world was right below the surface, and stayed there for that evening. The only time we're ever unhappy is when we think about ourselves, and so yes, it's good to be busy, be around others, and forget about our own problems, or what we see as our problems.

The other day one of the other drivers approached me in the morning as we were on our way into the building. He said that he had seen the sticker on the back of my car, Kevin's website, and so checked it out. He asked me about it and didn't realize that I was Kevin's mother. I explained to him that I was and we exchanged a few words. So, for another brief moment or two, my real world came to the surface. He said that you never know about people, what they're really going though, which is true, the social mask, and so for a brief time I felt acknowledged as a person. It felt wonderful! Others know, time goes on, they don't know what to say, but the result is that a person then feels left alone with their thoughts and pain and sorrow. At least I do anyway. So at least when the reporter put it in those terms, it acknowledged that these people who had lost a loved one, were having a brief respite from their pain and loss. All of their real feelings, their real lives, were just below the surface.

So another Christmas but I should be lucky because I am here to celebrate it. I have life as we know it here and so I should be thankful for that. I will think about Kevin and Terry but won't make the mistake of staying home this time. They will be with me, just below the surface, but I guess I'll put on my social mask and go out on the town, be with others and celebrate hope and everything else Christmas stands for...


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