Diary of a Mother's Mission

My son, Kevin Martin, disappered under mysterious circumstances in the wee hours of July 18, 2004. His partial remains were found on February 1, 2005 in the river. The Des Moines Police have not been helpful and this is my blog to tell what I have done as it's done.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The Second Year

I'm here at the library, today, wondering how the computers are going to be. Two weeks ago the computers were down, city wide, and it has taken almost two weeks for them to be back to normal, if they indeed are today. At least I was able to edit and republish my last blog, something I was not able to do the other day. So far, so good, I hope, and so I'm wondering exactly what to write today. Kevin is still on my mind, as always, in my thoughts, as usual. I've thought alot about this second year in terms of the second year of grieving. In many ways it has been harder and as time goes on we get further and further away from the truth, I suppose. Perhaps that's what upsets me the most.

I know I mentioned the grieving process; denial, anger, acceptance. I'm not sure that's all of it. I guess I initially thought it was one stage which would be finished and then a moving on to the next stage. I don't think that's the case, though, as I seem to go from one stage to the other and then back again. There are still days when I just can't believe that Kevin is gone. I just can not believe it. Then there are days when I'm so angry and angry at the police dept's. attitude that I'm suppose to be happy with the outcome of their supposed investigation which they have shared so little of. Probably because there's so little to share. Well, not be happy, but accept it and not bother them. Then, yes, there are days when I have to accept what has happened and I rely on prayer and my inspirational reading to shore up my faith in something so much larger than this sick everyday garbage. And, yes, some days I can have a feeling of peace and acceptance... I can hold dear the memories of Kevin and they bring me comfort. Then, there are other days when, very much in the sense world they tell me, the material world, where I'm overcome with anger and pain and loss. And disbelief. Gross emotion as opposed to the higher spirituality.

This second year has been very hard. Time heals. It doesn't make one forget. I still want to clinge to those people who surrouded Kevin and his disappearance. The Pastor who spoke at Kevin's memorial service, for example. But life goes on and I guess the more it does the more I feel left alone with my pain and loss. This isn't true, I know, but memories fade and Kevin isn't here anymore to make his mark. His family remembers, maybe a few friends. I'm sure more people than I realize. I hope that is the case. But there are no more services. The police aren't doing anything. And I guess I'm supposed to be over this and I'm not. One is suppose to move on, get on with one's life and to all outward appearances, I have. But that's what they are. Appearances. Kevin is still my dominant thought, each day, everyday, even in this the end of the second year...

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