This is like dejavu, excuse the spelling, the same feeling, but I should know by now
and yet I didn't. I'm not a fast thinker. A couple of days after talking with the
people who were going to help me, I kind of wondered about something that was said.
One of the people called to say that they were at the river and the water was rising as they stood there. That was a Friday early evening. He called Saturday morning.
I started to think about it. The River is rising... I don't know much about the river but it seemed to me that if the river was rising that weekend would have been
THE weekend to search. We have had storms and each rain my hopes were dashed a little
more. I'm not sure but I think flood gates were opened also as it is the end of the boating season on Saylorville lake.


I feel so exposed. These people search the river. Do you mean to tell me they couldn't have predicted this very thing? If I had had more information I would
have gone down there and searched myself. Now I know. But it's too late. I'm exposed
but not one sandbar is left exposed, not one. My resolve? There are other ways.

Exposed

This is like dejavu, excuse the spelling, the same feeling, but I should know by now
and yet I didn't. I'm not a fast thinker. A couple of days after talking with the
people who were going to help me, I kind of wondered about something that was said.
One of the people called to say that they were at the river and the water was rising as they stood there. That was a Friday early evening. He called Saturday morning.
I started to think about it. The River is rising... I don't know much about the river but it seemed to me that if the river was rising that weekend would have been
THE weekend to search. We have had storms and each rain my hopes were dashed a little
more. I'm not sure but I think flood gates were opened also as it is the end of the boating season on Saylorville lake.


I feel so exposed. These people search the river. Do you mean to tell me they couldn't have predicted this very thing? If I had had more information I would
have gone down there and searched myself. Now I know. But it's too late. I'm exposed
but not one sandbar is left exposed, not one. My resolve? There are other ways.

Overwhelmed

What direction to go, what to do, who do I talk to, who had I better not talk to. All politics
even in every day life? This shouldn't be so difficult. A young life is gone and we don't have any answers. Perhaps I'm the one making things so difficult with my indecision. My indicisiveness
only concerns what to do first, what direction to go first, that's all. At this point I feel overwhelmed but perhaps that's only because I feel stuck in my direction - not my resolve.

We may never find the answers but for Kevin's honor we have to try. At least I have to anyway.
It is an issue deeper than that. Every single life is valued. Our human society is based on the
value and dignity of each and every person and this one person is my son. So whatever I can do
I guess I have to. It's my responsibility first of all because I'm his mother.

A FLOOD OF MEMORIES

There isn't a day that goes by that Kevin doesn't dominate my thoughts. There isn't a day that
goes by when I don't start to cry. But I can't cry because I feel I have so much to do and I
don't want to get bogged down in emotion and loss. I knew it would be hard returning to
Des Moines where Kevin's memory is everywhere but it is a comfort too. Kevin loved Des Moines and I can do more here. I felt so far away in New York.

I haven't heard from the people who are planning to search the river again. Last Saturday the man called me. They had visited the river and said it was rising and that they would wait for
optimum conditions. Hopefully the river will stay low and soon they will decide to give it a shot.
So once again I guess I just have to be patient and have faith that the right time will come.

This morning I was thinking about Superman , one of Kevin's favorite heroes. Even after he packed away his action figures I would still get him the latest adult collectible. He would display it on his dresser or bookcase. I was trying to remember the words from the tv show , from the opening. Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locamotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound ... And then on and something like for truth , justice and the American
way. Iv'e been thinking alot about all of this. I guess I want that pure American hero justice
for Kevin who believed in it.

Patience

Well, the other day I was all elated. I felt more hopeful that there was progress of some sort.
There is still hope of finding the rest of Kevin's remains. Perhaps I'm too optimistic. Searches have been done before but they found nothing more.

I guess the most important thing is to maintain an even keel sort of thing. This is nothing new.
Ups and downs. The past year has been filled with ups and downs. One day trying to keep up my hope. To maintain faith and then alternately grieving because on some level you know that your son, your child is gone and not coming back.

Today is that same sort of day. One of the down days where it's hard to remain positive and hopeful. But this will pass as it has in the past. Whether up or down,though I have to be per-
sistent and not give up what I'm trying to do in the face of discouragement. This is about the honor and dignity of a young life who happens to be my son. I promised to honor him at his
memorial service as any parent would and part of that is finding out what really happened to him.

A little ray of hope

A week ago I enquired about hiring cadaver dogs and divers to
search once again the area where they found Kevin's remains. The last couple of weeks I visited the river when I realized
that the water level was so low. So much lower than even last
February when the remains were spotted. I couldn't believe it was so low.

For many month's now when I knew for sure that I was returning
to Des Moines I felt this was something I had to do. One last attempt to find the skull which I thought might give us more information as to what happened to Kevin. Even if it doesn't shed light on that night and why Kevin died I guess it's only normal to want all of my son's remains.

Well things happened alot quicker than I thought. Wonderful caring people responded with the consent of the Des Moines police dept. Those people are willing to give it one more shot. My hope was that because of the really low water level things maybe exposed or if nothing else one isn't fighting high water
and strong currents. There are so many sand bars exposed now
compared to last February. At this point if the skull was burried one could dig for it, walk out on the sand bar as I did
on Sunday and dig around.

So once again I have a ray of hope...

a ray of hope

a begining

I didn't know where to begin but in my indecision I guess I did make a start after all. A month
ago I returned to Des Moines. I always intended to return but the death of my son Kevin Martin
July 18, 2004 hastened my decision and return. I say his death July 18th. That was the last day anyone saw him but other than that we know nothing. July 18th he went missing. Around February 1st or 2nd his remains were found in the river.

Saturday night or actually Sunday morning I visited downtown, 4th and Court and walked outside in front of the Royal Mile bar. This was something I had wanted to do a year ago. He
was supposedly at the Royal Mile and left from there never to be seen again.

There were a lot of people milling about on a beautiful Summer evening downtown Des Moines.
It is so hard for me to understand how no one saw him at the Royal Mile that night other than the guys he was with.

It was a start for me and gave me a better idea of that Saturday night and what was going on
at that time, aproximately 2:15 a.m. in that part of town.

I am left with more questions...