Christmas In July

Trite, I guess, but the phrase has been sticking in my mind. It popped into my mind weeks ago. Then days later I saw the phrase on a couple of marquises, of course, trying to inspire shoppers to visit their stores. I wondered where the expression came from, or when it first got started. I don't remember. I guess I associate it with Hallmark cards and their Christmas ornaments, which , many years ago, they started putting out in July. Commercialism, but I looked forward to it each year. I still collect Christmas ornaments and do have some Hallmark ones but decided a lot of them were too expensive unless, of course, you purchased them a day after Christmas. July is over but I'm still thinking about Christmas. I wish for that "Christmas in July", especially now, and so wonder why. Well, I know why, but have really taken time to think about the whole issue again, as I do every Holiday season in December, and hope for a little fuller clarity and understanding.

December 5th, many years ago, my second child, Daniel Sean, died. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. He was 3 months old approximately, born September 13th. I was working very part time at a local restaurant Saturday nights and Sunday. There was talk about us not having a Christmas party. I was in a state of shock and grieving but I blurted out one night that we had to have a Christmas party. I don't know why but it was so important. The owner heard me and I don't know why, he knew of my situation, but we did have a Christmas party. Someone told me it was because of what I had said that night. I went to it because I just had to go. Maybe because I just had to live, had to have hope, had to have joy once again after the loss of my child. All those things I associate with Christmas. We celibrate the birth of Christ. I guess I needed to be reborn out of a pit of grief and despair and to try to celibrate Christmas was an attempt to do so. To hold onto life and beauty and harmony. It has been an uphill fight to put these things back into my life.

July 18th Kevin died or that's what we're told or lead to believe but that was the last time he was seen. I need to try and celibrate Christmas again. The one thing that seems to symbolize, has come to symbolize, everything to me. Christmas always meant so much. Even after a child realizes Mommy and Daddy are Santa. As I got older I tried to make it special as I no longer saw it through the eyes of a child. In many ways it has gotten better, more spiritual, and then it became inexorably linked to the loss of my child and my survival. Now Christmas in July has become linked to the loss, the death, of Kevin. Once again I have to fight to hold on to all of those wonderful Christmas feelings. Years ago I didn't realize what I was doing. It was instinctive. Now I'm very aware. I want hope and peace and beauty and joy in my life. Especially joy. I'm tired of despair and depression and grieving and so I will celibrate two Christmases each year. Christmas in December and Christmas in July..